its fucking cold in the arctic
and you’re the north pole
i’m the fucking sun
let me warm your hands.
44 days until my second anniversary with Darling. Surprisingly, I haven’t yet orchestrated a two part musical with a half-time show instead of an intermission.
Man I was totally blindsided today about my anniversary with my fiance being just shy of two months away, it’ll be our second year together and I was so shocked that I still don’t know what to do.
Lately I’ve been having this reoccurring fantasy where I take a revolver and shoot myself right in the face. It doesn’t hurt or anything. I just do it.
I’m really frustrated that every time I express my feelings and let people know how I feel I get dumped as a friend. Like, okay apparently in order to have anyone to talk too I need to just act like everything is cool all the time. Kill a puppy? Nah bro it’s good. Be super inconsiderate for my feelings? That’s okay we’re still golden! No worries you’re super gorgeous! Ugh.
you know that person in your life where like you’re totally comfortable with them and you really really like them/love them but its like because they’re your best friend and if anybody ever hurts them you literally just want to punch everything and then brush their hair and like i don’t know sit in comfortable silence until something comes to mind that amuses you or whatever? and like you’re super happy you know them because they get you and you know you don’t have to be anybody but yourself around them? so you just want to like yell at them “HEY THANKS FOR BEING THE BEST FRIEND EVER HOMIE” and i’m being like weirdly sentimental and should probably like sleep or whatever but i’m not going to so sigh…
its my birthday and they announce jkr is doing a new film series yesterday and i went to the bar and a girl poured liqour into my mouth and like it was awesome and jeremy was buying me shots, and i had so much fun with my boys and we got pizza and tonight is like my real birthday because its the thirteenth and i’m pretty hung over and krista and i are going dancing and i’m having such a fucking good day guys okay?
i’m like 78% positive i was forgotten about today. that makes me really irritated.
I feel like the love of my life doesn’t want to be with me anymore. She’s so unhappy and it’s all my fault. I don’t know what to do.
sometimes i just get really overwhelmed about how in love with my fiancee i am and literally just sit in my room and listen to love songs and cry about it like some kind of heartbroken high schooler, but i’m just ridiculously aware of how blessed i am to have that woman in my life.
when i’m alone sometimes i think about where my life is and how its going and where i want to be at the end of the day. i think about my family and how i’m really just not good at talking to people and how my bubble is created by only the people i see because i happen to be where they are. i think about my circle of friends and how it is both smaller and bigger than in high school. i think about my fiance, the woman whom i cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with. i think about what my career will be like once she gets out of training. i think about love, and how my perceptions of that word changed when i met her. and i think about myself. i think about my tattoos and piercings. i think about my apartment and how i treat people now. i think about how i feel about myself and others and i can’t help but smile.
for those of you who have been following my blog for a while; or whom might actually know me in real life, know that i graduated last summer. i’ve spent a large part of today reflecting on my life and what i want to get out of it in the end and i realized how much i’ve grown in the past year. last year i had zero self-confidence, i felt completely secluded from others, i let people walk over me and my only defining characteristic was that i was completely unstable. i don’t regret any of it, but a small art of my rain wishes i could go back and tell myself all about the person i would become, y’know? anyway, as i got thinking about this i basically came up with a list of shit i wanted to tell my sixteen year-old-self so here’s that!